This post is a day late. I could not find any nerve to type last night. Do you know the feeling when you really want something that you have exhausted everything in all ways possible but in the end it was still not good enough? It’s a fucking feeling. I have felt the most useless and stupid person last night. All I had in mind was the thought that I can only go so far.

I started this semester with the thought that I will be on that stage getting my award and rightful recognition of being a Dean’s Lister (possibly a Laude). It was bulletproof. I knew that this sem, I had in the bag. Generally in all subjects, my quizzes were perfect, my prelims was beyond average and my finals were mostly exempted (No bragging intended.). I did worked hard. It even came to a point that I cried over a lousy aircon being broken because I am that fed up from stress of school requirements. I burned my ass off. I, too, sometimes became a jerk like how A. is doing and decided to be loner. I invested many emotional swings especially my insecurities with social life kicking-in. And now, it is all for nothing.

Trigo- turned- Analytic Algebra class of mine is a heart-breaker. Ms. Aranas posted the grades last night. Guess what, I got a 2.0 which makes me ineligible to become a Luade or for the least, Dean’s Lister. It is fucking tragic.

If I could cry the ocean, I would. I did not cry hard enough for as long as I can remember. I know, I studied. Which makes everything a lot difficult to digest.

It is so sad.

It is really sad.




2 thoughts on “3.4.2014

  1. Hi. Sorry…I’m actually not sure if I’m supposed to reply or if you wanna hear anything from me at all..but you tagged me so yeah I guess I should say something no matter how late…

    I’m really sorry to hear that you lost your chance to be laude because of your grade with me. I didn’t know about this, I would have wanted you to email me so that we could talk but anyway I really feel bad to hear this. You seem to be a hardworking student and a nice person, and perhaps you really deserved it and it was me who failed as a teacher. Well for sure I had my shortcomings but please do know that I had only the best intentions for my students.

    I want to keep this short so I guess what I just want to say is that college is just the start. It’s such a tiny part really. I’m not saying this just to console – what happened is still bad and it would have been nice if you got the award – but I’m just speaking as someone who has been out of college for years now. Awards are overrated. I was once college before and I wished I focused less on my grades and more on what I needed and wanted to learn. ‘Cause you graduate college and no teacher’s going to measure you up anymore and in the end it’s about everything you can or cannot do.

    I’m sure you’ll go places. You’ve worked hard and will continue to work hard and no grades will ever have to measure how much more you can do. If you need help e.g. referrals, because I have a lot of friends doing medicine, or if you’re aiming to study abroad for research I could help you with that. Just let me know. 🙂

    1. Uhm, I dont know what to say. I had no intentions of you reading this (Hindi ko alam na makikita mo ‘to or well I assumed po na hndi mo sya makikita). This post is a rant. I meant what I said about the frustration and all but I didn’t mean to let you feel bad about what happened. I was just exhausted and frustrated. I felt that you were just a new instructor and was exploring a lot of things as a professor. You were brilliant, that’s no question. We might just need more experiences and lessons in life.

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